livingjudaism
  • Home
  • About
    • What they're saying
    • Contact Us
    • Resources
  • Offerings
    • New and Exciting!
    • Classes and Seminars >
      • The Present Moment in Time
      • The Way of God
      • Unconditional Peace of Mind
      • In The Image
      • Connecting Worlds
      • Relationships in motion
    • Coaching
    • Yom Kippur
    • Byte of Insyte
    • Video >
      • Thrive in 5
      • Conversations About Well-Being
      • Innate Health Videos
    • Audio >
      • The Way of God
      • InnerSpace
      • Living With Ease
      • The Incredible Truth Behind Growth and Transformation
      • Wisdom and Wellness from the Inside - Out
  • Calendar
  • Donate

think small

1/19/2011

0 Comments

 
“We can do no great things, only small things with great love.” — Mother Teresa

A few months ago, I experienced my first miracle. It happened during morning prayers at the local synagogue. I was standing next to the bima (Torah reading table) during Kadish, when I heard a tiny, high-pitched voice answer amen. The voice was practically in my ear, yet when I turned to look nobody was there. I was beginning to think I was imagining things when I heard it again. For a brief moment, the thought crossed my mind: Could it be one of those heavenly voices mentioned in the Talmud? Then I noticed the Blackberry strategically placed on the bima. Mystery solved! The disembodied voice belonged to a bedridden member of our congregation. Since he was too ill to show up in person, someone had been kind enough to let him to attend via speakerphone.

Not too long ago, something as simple as tele-prayer would have been unimaginable. In fact, the world we live in today is virtually unrecognizable from the one I grew up in. I don’t think I fully appreciated this until a few years back, when my daughter found a piece of an old vinyl record in the woods while we were hiking. “Look Abba,” she proclaimed, “a giant CD!”

Technology has no-doubt made the world a smaller place, but recently I’ve begun to notice just how much of a double edged sword it really is. On one hand, it offers unparalleled opportunities for us to connect, but it also enables us to keep people at arm’s length like never before. Back in the old days, when we socialized in person or by phone (which we answered without the aid of caller ID) we didn’t really have the option to ignore people. But in today’s world of long-distance communication, we hold all the cards. We get to screen our calls, emails, and Facebook friend requests. And since, for the most part, we are seen only when we want to be seen, we get to decide with virtual impunity how quickly we respond, and who we would prefer to simply ignore.

Personally, I’m amazed at how common it is for emails and phone calls to go either unanswered, or to be answered days or sometimes weeks later. I am, of course, by no means perfect. No doubt everyone drops the ball from time to time. But I’ve noticed that some people are more conscientious about the way they communicate than others. And it’s not that the less conscientious are doing anything intentionally either. Yes, I’ve come across a few cyber-chickens in my days: people who hide behind technology because they lack the decency and integrity to tell you where they stand. But for the most part, I sincerely believe that communication lapses stem from the frantic pace of our modern lives. We are genuinely overwhelmed by the tidal wave of data and information that seems to fill our every waking moment. All too often, it just seems like we have so many more important things to do.

Which brings me to my point: Now, more than ever, we need to remember that there are real people with real feelings at the other end of the messages in our inbox. We wouldn’t ignore a stranger who asked us for a moment of our time in person, so why would we ignore our friends and colleagues who are really doing the same thing – simply because it’s done via technology? Can’t we at least spare a few seconds to say: “Got your message. Things are crazy! Will be in touch?” And if we can’t, what does it say about us? Sure it requires a little extra effort on our part. But remember that cyber–mentchkeit isn’t just for the benefit of others. Ultimately, it’s for our sake, because when all’s said and done, the care that we show for the insignificant things in life is what defines us as human beings.

This week’s Torah portion describes the high point in the career of perhaps the greatest man in human history. As we witness Moshe receiving the Ten Commandments – an act that literally transforms the human race – it’s worthwhile to revisit the words of our oral tradition that describe what made him, more than any other man on earth, qualified for that exalted assignment:

“Once when Moshe was working as a shepherd, a small sheep wandered away from the flock. Moshe chased after the sheep only to discover it drinking from a brook. Moshe said, “You poor sheep, if you are this thirsty, then you must be tired as well.” So Moshe carried the sheep all the way back to the flock. At this display of compassion, Hashem declared, “If this is the way you treat your sheep, then I want you to be the shepherd for My sheep (i.e. the Israelites)”- Midrash Rabba, Shemot 2:2.

Moshe’s greatness was defined, not by his public achievements, but by the care and concern that he showed for the smallest member of his flock. Rest assured; our level of greatness will be determined in the exact same manner. Modern technology may indeed present our generation with new challenges, but hidden within those challenges is an unprecedented opportunity to become better human beings. It isn’t even that hard to do. We just need to remind ourselves that small acts of kindness are ultimately what make our lives fulfilling, and are what define our greatness – especially now, more than ever – precisely because they are so easy to avoid.

Shabbat Shalom

Mark

 “It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.”
– Sir Arthur Conan Doyle


0 Comments

front page news

12/16/2010

0 Comments

 
“Integrity is the essence of everything successful” – Richard Buckminster Fuller

As I perused the front page of the New York Times this past Saturday evening, I was struck by two headlines that at first seemed totally different and unrelated:  One, displayed prominently in the left-hand column, concerned a well-known individual. The other, in small print at the bottom of the page, was about someone previously unknown. One was tragic and depressing. The other was happy and uplifting. Both stories caught my eye because they were noteworthy in their own right. When viewed in relation to each other however, they illustrate a powerful lesson.

The first story entitled “A Madoff Son Hangs Himself on Father’s Arrest Anniversary,” reported the tragic circumstances of Mark Madoff’s suicide, carried out as his two year old son lay asleep in the adjacent bedroom. We may never know for sure if he actively participated in his father’s crimes, but it’s clear that his untimely death at the age of 46 made him the latest sad casualty of Bernie Madoff’s despicable behavior. Apparently two years of scandal, lawsuits, broken relationships, and terminal unemployment were ultimately more than he could bear.

The second story, entitled “He Found Bag of Cash, But Did the Unexpected,” * was about Dave Tally, a 49 year old homeless man from Tempe Arizona who returned a lost backpack containing $3,300 to its owner, in spite of the fact that its contents could have transformed  the circumstances of his life. Mr. Tally thought he’d return the backpack and that would be the end of it, but instead he’s been praised as a homeless hero. The mayor of Tempe proclaimed last Thursday Dave Tally day, and he has already received job offers, free dental surgery and more than $8000 in rewards from admiring citizens, a sum far exceeding the amount he returned.

What drives a wealthy man to steal millions –some of it from people he knew personally – while a poor man returns a relative fortune to a stranger, when he could have easily rationalized keeping it? I am shocked by the devastation that one man’s greed can cause, but even more amazed by how a simple human quality called integrity can evoke so much admiration. Why are so many people touched by the Dave Tally story? Is this just a sad testimony to the age that we live in, when a simple act of goodness can rise to the level of front page news? Or can we draw parallels to a story from a different age; a remarkable story of one man’s meteoric rise from slavery to stardom; a story that we conclude with this week’s Torah reading?

On three separate occasions, Joseph, a powerless foreigner and slave, rises quickly and unexpectedly to positions of great authority, the last one being viceroy over all of Egypt. The Torah offers reasons for this. It tells us that God was with him; that he was unusually successful; that he found favor in people’s eyes; that he interpreted dreams and offered wise counsel. All of this explains why people would find him useful, but I believe their willingness to trust him so completely and so speedily stems from a more basic quality: his sterling integrity. The Torah doesn’t even have to say it explicitly. Joseph’s integrity oozes from its pages.  

And if we doubt this, we need only revisit the moment that perhaps defines him better than any other: his famous refusal to succumb to the advances of his master’s wife; a supreme act of self-control that paves the way for him to become one of the most powerful men in the world. It’s worthwhile to study Joseph’s words at the climax of that scene, because they reveal not only his level of integrity, but its source:

“My master does not even know what I do in the house. He has entrusted me with everything he owns. No one in this house has more power than I have. He has not kept back anything at all from me except you – his wife. How could I do such a great wrong? It would be a sin against God!” (Genesis 39: 8-9)

Joseph acknowledges the debt of gratitude that he owes his master, and recognizes how unjust it would be to repay that kindness with treachery. But in the end, it’s his recognition of the plain and simple wrongness of the act, the “sin against God,” that allows him to resist overwhelming temptation. This is the true source of integrity. This is what enables us to counter balance our lust and greed, even when no one but God himself is present to witness it. And this is what enabled a penniless man like Dave Tally to walk away from what was for him, a small fortune. It simply wasn’t his to take.

Bernie Madoff stories are about money and personality. They don’t make the front page unless they involve well-known people or cause too much collateral damage to be ignored. Dave Tally stories make the front page even when they involve anonymous individuals and relatively small amounts of cash because they’re about something much bigger; bigger even than serving the needs of others. They’re about putting aside self-interest in order to do the right thing. They’re about true integrity; and true integrity inspires us. It inspires us to trust. It inspires us to want to serve. But perhaps most of all, it inspires us to remember that greatness can still be found –oftentimes in the most ordinary people, and at the most unexpected times.

Shabbat Shalom

Mark

*http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/12/us/12backpack.html?emc=eta1

0 Comments

gratitude or attitude

11/19/2010

0 Comments

 
“If you count all your assets, you always show a profit.” – Robert Quillen

The Torah is an interesting book. I realize it’s probably not surprising to hear a Rabbi say this, but what I mean is that you can read the same passage year after year without noticing much, and then one day you look at the very same words and they hit you like a ton of bricks. I recently had such an experience while reading this week’s Torah portion.

But first some background: I was not doing well when I opened up to this week’s reading. A business opportunity that I had been hoping for had failed to materialize. In retrospect, it wasn’t a big deal, but in the moment it didn’t matter. I was feeling angry and discouraged – that is, until I started reading about our forefather Jacob.

Nothing comes easy for Jacob. He has to flee for his life from a brother who wants to kill him. He’s forced to spend twenty years with a scheming and manipulative uncle who tries to take him for everything he’s got.  And then, when he’s finally able to return home with a family and some hard-earned wealth, his powerful and very angry brother is there to greet him at the head of a 400 man army. It’s hard to imagine a more disappointing situation: Just when things finally seem to be looking up for Jacob, it appears as though everything he’s worked for is about to be taken from him.

It’s at this point that Jacob utters some pretty astonishing words:

”God of my father Abraham and God of my father Isaac; Hashem Who said to me, ‘Return to your land and to your relatives and I will do good with you’ – I have been diminished by all the kindnesses and by all the truth that you have done your servant.” (Bereshit – 32:10-11)

Here’s Jacob, faced with the prospect of losing his entire life’s work, and he’s filled with appreciation. I on the other hand had simply failed to get something I wanted, and all I could feel was resentment. The contrast was striking, and the lesson was clear: In life, there are two choices: You can live in gratitude or you can live in attitude. The only question is: Why do some people face tremendous challenges with a profound sense of gratitude while others, who seem to have everything they could possibly desire, lead lives filled with anxiety and resentment?

I believe our story provides us with two critical keys to feeling gratitude: First, when you take your inventory, make sure you do your math properly: Don’t count your blessings. Start from zero, from the day you were born, and count everything you have. Appreciate that no matter where you are in life, you’re already way ahead of the game. As Jacob’s prayer continues:

“. . . for with my staff I crossed this Jordan and now I have become two camps.”

It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of counting from yesterday when things were going better, or from tomorrow; from where I think I should be. But whenever I stop to take an honest look at my life as a whole, I’m amazed: I came into this world with absolutely nothing and now I have a family, a home, two cars, clothing, and a job. Heck, I even have 400 friends on Facebook! Where did it all come from? I started at zero and yet somehow, by the time I got to Seattle, I had a family of six and a moving truck filled with 12,000 pounds of stuff! If that doesn’t fill me with a sense of wonder then probably nothing will.

But there’s a second, even more important key, and that takes us back to the beginning of Jacob’s prayer: Like Jacob, you have to say “katanti,” and you have to mean it. Katanti, translated loosely as “I have been diminished” comes from the word “katan,” which means small. In other words, what Jacob was really saying was: “I am way too small for what I have.”

It’s not enough to be aware of what you have. You have to realize that it’s a gift. You may have worked hard to get where you are today, but you didn’t get there on your own. We’ve all heard the term “self-made-man,” but let’s face it: Nobody gets anywhere from zero without a ton of help. I, for one, don’t have a clue as to how I got to where I am today. What I do know is that it’s not because I planned it to happen this way. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that I’ve gotten to where I am in spite of what I planned – and all I can say is: thank God for that.

Gratitude or attitude: It has nothing to do with what we have or don’t have. The choice is entirely up to us, and it’s the most important one we’ll ever make. Not only because it enables us to enjoy what we have today, but perhaps even more importantly, because it allows us to take our hands off the steering wheel and trust that we’ll have what we need tomorrow. This doesn’t mean that we won’t make our own effort. Like Jacob, we must do everything in our power to succeed. It’s just that after we’ve done our part, our recognition of just how much we’ve been taken care of allows us to take a step back, enjoy what we we’ve been given, and leave the rest in God’s hand.

0 Comments

anatomy of a journey

10/15/2010

2 Comments

 
“No man goes further than the man who doesn’t know where he is going.” – Oliver Cromwell

Amy was one of my first clients, she was very angry, and it was easy to understand why. She was in her mid-forties, desperately wanted to marry and have kids, and had just been dumped by the man she thought she was going to marry after a two year relationship. Now she was sitting across the table from me at Starbucks with nothing to show for it but a broken heart filled with hopelessness and despair.

I felt sympathy for Amy as I sat with her that day, but as I listened and watched the tears roll down her cheeks, an even stronger feeling welled up inside of me.  I realized that in spite of the way things appeared, she was actually standing on the brink of an incredible opportunity. Right then and there, in the midst of her pain, was a chance for her to learn a vitally important lesson. In fact, until she learned that lesson I feared she would never find the happiness she sought in marriage, even if she landed the man of her dreams. As I sat there I was struck by the irony of the situation: If only she could see what was right in front of her nose she’d be overwhelmed with gratitude. But instead, all she could focus on was where she wanted to be – and she was miserable.

As we journey through life, we can focus on where we are or where we want to be. On physical journeys, it usually makes sense to focus on the destination since we already know the point of departure. But when it comes to our spiritual “life” journey, it’s a good idea to know where we’re going, but preoccupation with our destination is a sure-fire way to make sure we lose sight of the path that will take us there.

In this week’s Torah portion, Abraham embarks on both an expedition to the Land of Canaan, and a journey of personal discovery and growth that will ultimately develop him into the father of a nation and the founder of a historic 4000 year mission to perfect the world. Oddly, the statement that inaugurates this journey seems to focus way too much on his point of origin, while completely ignoring the identity of his destination.

“Go from your land and from your birthplace and from the house of your father to the land that I will show you.” (Bereshit 12:1)

The late Slonimer Rebbe, in his Torah commentary known as Nesivos Shalom, gleans an important life lesson from the unusual focus of this verse: We each have a unique mission to accomplish during our time here on earth, and in order to accomplish it, we are given a “tool chest” of distinctive qualities and circumstances. Regardless of whether they’re positive or negative, strengths or weaknesses, opportunities or challenges, the tailor-made contents of our “tool chest” are molded, for the most part, by our culture (“Land”), our DNA (“birthplace”) and our parental role models (“father’s house”).

Abraham couldn’t possibly recognize the destination of his spiritual journey until he reached it. Nobody can. But by facing up to the reality of his life in the present – the products of his land, birthplace and home – he could put himself on the path that would get him there. This is why he was told to “go from” his land, birthplace and home as opposed to being told to “leave” them. Rather than turning his back on them, he needed to face them and utilize them for the good, because only they could provide him with what he needed to achieve his potential.

Amy’s story speaks to me because it’s my story. It’s so easy for me to fixate on how I think my life should be, but the reality is that my life is already exactly as it should be. The present moment, regardless of how difficult or hopeless it may seem, contains all that I need. My challenge is to embrace it, not flee from it. I may be clear about what I want out of life, but I have absolutely no idea what the future will bring. What I do know is that the distance between what is and what I think should be can be measured in the amount of pain that I feel as I go through my day. But worse than that, whenever I worry about the future, I’m not only almost always off the mark, but I lose the only thing I really ever have: the opportunity that stands before me right now.

“Anyone who sets his eyes upon what isn’t his; not only is what he seeks not given to him, but what he already has is taken away.” Talmud, Sota 9a

2 Comments

this rosh hashanah leave the judgment to god

9/8/2010

0 Comments

 
“To Judge between good or bad, between successful and unsuccessful would take the eye of a God” Anton Chekhov

Everyone knows the story of David and Goliath. But how many people know that the difference between these famous rivals can be traced to one point of origin and one critical, defining moment?

David and Goliath were actually third cousins; descendants of Moabite sisters named Ruth and Orpah, who married the sons of Elimelech and Naomi, Israelites who had fled the city of Bethlehem during a famine. When Elimelech and his sons die prematurely, Naomi decides to return to Israel, insisting that her daughters-in-law remain with their own people. But in a tremendous display of loyalty, both women ignore Naomi’s attempts to push them away until, at the story’s climax, Orpah gives in, kisses her mother-in-law and returns home. Ruth accompanies Naomi to Israel, where she marries and eventually produces David. Orpah goes on to produce Goliath.

The storyline is striking. Why should Orpah, who came within a hair’s breadth of making the same choice as her sister, produce Goliath, the antithesis of David? Our oral tradition provides the missing link: That night, while Ruth was following Naomi, Orpah lay with one hundred men. Goliath was the product of this promiscuity. (Ruth Rabba – 2:20) But the question remains: How could Orpah fall so far so fast?

 I believe Orpah realized that she had missed an opportunity to achieve greatness. But instead of owning her mistake and moving on, she crossed into self-judgment, deeming herself unworthy. Instead of recognizing her momentary failure to live up to her potential, she chose to define and limit her potential altogether, turning disappointment into despair and devastation.

So what do David and Goliath have to do with Rosh Hashanah? According to our tradition, Rosh Hashanah – the awesome Day of Judgment – ushers in the ten days of teshuvah (literally “return”), a time when people examine their ways and improve themselves. This is why it’s important, now more than ever, to emphasize that Judgment is God’s job, not ours. Yes, I’m familiar with the adage that we shouldn’t judge a person until we’ve stood in their shoes, which seems to imply that it’s okay to judge ourselves. Nevertheless, I beg to disagree for a couple of reasons.

First, even when we’re aware of our actions and motivations, we usually lack the big picture. We experience life in fragments of time, and we view those fragments from way too close a vantage point: Even if we could recall every detail of our lives, we would still lack the necessary objectivity to put them into context. We are rarely capable of viewing ourselves without distortion.

But there’s a more fundamental reason why self-judgment is not an option, even when we accurately identify our flaws: We cannot evaluate our lives and live our lives at the same time. Self-judgment removes us from life. This is not to say that we shouldn’t be mindful of how we live. It’s just that there’s a huge difference between mindfulness and self-judgment. In fact, they tend to conflict.

Take a look at what you’re passionate about and you’ll see the difference. One of my favorite extracurricular activities is martial arts. I love how it combines a great workout with mastery of a skill and self-perfection. To become proficient, I must be constantly mindful, focusing on the smallest details as I work the same forms over and over again. For me, this is what makes the processes both engaging and fun – that is, until I see someone who is better than me and decide that I’ll never be any good. The moment I focus on myself, I cease being mindful of the process, and the activity that had just moments before been a source of pleasure, now leaves me feeling demoralized.

It’s easy for me to slip into self-judgment, and my work as a coach tells me that I am not alone. Most of my clients tend to judge themselves harshly, which often leaves them carrying a heavy burden of negativity, depression, and dis-empowering beliefs that they’re sometimes not even aware of. I recently met a woman who regularly beat herself up over her tendency to worry because she knew it was silly and counterproductive. Sadly, she thought that her self-criticism was a mitzvah; her only chance to change. But the truth is that her inability to lovingly accept her flaws was the single biggest impediment to her growth. 

On Rosh Hashanah, a snapshot is taken of our life and the question is asked: What have we become and where are we heading? It’s not our job to take that snapshot. Nor are we meant to feel in any way limited by it. Rather, that snapshot is meant to inspire us to do more with our lives. It’s meant to fill us with excitement and joy, not negativity. But most of all, it’s meant to make us more mindful of the greatest gift that we will ever posses – the gift of life.

Wishing you a sweet and meaningful New Year!

Mark

0 Comments

faulty logic - the 17th of tammuz

6/28/2010

0 Comments

 
“Before God we are all equally wise – and equally foolish.” Albert Einstein

“The people saw that Moses had delayed in descending the mountain, and the people gathered around Aaron and said to him, “Rise up, make for us gods that will go before us, for this man Moses who brought us up from the land of Egypt – we do not know what became of him!’” (Exodus 32:1)*

Few episodes in the bible are better known, and fewer still provoke greater amazement and disbelief. How could the Jewish people forget the stupendous miracles they had witnessed just months beforehand and build a golden calf! It seems inconceivable and yet, if we’re honest with ourselves we may just recognize elements of this story that we can relate to our own lives. After all, aren’t there times when we seem to forget what we know to be true? Haven’t we ever found ourselves looking back on a dumb decision realizing that deep down, we knew all along it was a bad idea?

Not long ago, virtually every Jewish child knew the story of the angel who taught them the entire Torah while they were in their mother’s womb. According to this well-known Talmudic tradition, just before the child is born, the angel touches her above the upper lip, forming the indent known as the philtrum and causing her to forget everything she had just learned. Parents shared this story with their children to teach them that human beings have a powerful, innate knowledge of truth; a direct connection to the source of all wisdom via the tiny spark of God – or soul – that resides within each of us. According to this story, we may have “forgotten” what we know at birth, but our innate wisdom is never far from us. In fact, it’s right beneath our noses. So while it may seem strange that the Jews could fall for the illusion of idolatry so soon after their encounter with God, our own ability to choose nonsense over what we know to be true should be no less perplexing to us.

 The great biblical commentator known as the Ohr HaChaim (1696-1743) references our oral tradition to provide us with a fascinating insight into this important aspect of human nature as he seeks to understand what the Jews “saw” in Moses’ delay that compelled them to build an idol.

“The Satan came and showed them an image of darkness and gloom, and the image of the death-bed of Moses who had died. This is why the verse says: ‘The people saw.’ They saw these things, and they supported their conclusion (that Moses had died) by reasoning that the sixth hour of the day had already passed, which was the time limit that Moses had set for his return. Without this vision they would never have been swayed by these calculations.”

Our innate sense of goodness and wisdom may indeed be potent, but it is offset by an equally robust capacity for craziness and illusion. Judaism teaches that we are each created with a powerful inner drive – known as the evil inclination or satan – which is sort of like our own mini Madison Avenue PR firm.  In fact, its sole function is to make utter nonsense look not only viable but downright appealing. The Ohr Hachaim’s comments are meant to shed light on the way this part of us works. It works smart, not hard. It knows that people want to be good, and it knows that they have a natural feel for truth. So rather than fight us head on, it employs a strategy that virtually guarantees victory before the first shot is even fired.

This devious little part of us understands that talent and practice may be important factors when it comes to winning a competition, but the only way to insure success is to make sure your opponent doesn’t show up in the first place. The way it accomplishes this is by demoralizing us and upsetting us. It gets us to feel hopeless, or angry, or anxious, or insecure because it knows that once we’re in a negative state of mind, we can no longer show up in our lives with the wisdom and common sense we need to succeed.  Yes, like the Jews in the desert, we still have our logic, but we no longer have perspective, and logic without perspective equals disaster. As soon as our world becomes distorted, the game is already over.

We all lose perspective from time to time. The bigger problem is when we don’t realize we’ve lost it. One of the main issues I encounter in my spiritual coaching is people trying to figure their lives out from a place of negativity, who are completely clueless about how distorted their thinking is. Of course, they can’t see the distortion because distorted thinking happens to look great when we’re in a low state of mind. I know that when I’m upset I have tons of logic to support my point of view. In fact, I could probably argue my case before the Supreme Court. The only problem is, when I take a look at my thinking the next day – not to mention the things I’ve said or done based on it – my biggest challenge usually becomes finding a rock large enough to hide under.

Sorting through life’s issues can be complicated and confusing, but it’s relatively easy to identify our state of mind. Instead of focusing on what life looks like, we need to be aware of where we’re looking at life from, and if we’re steeped in negativity we must recognize that we’re heading in the wrong direction. This may not make the negativity go away, but it can keep us from taking it too seriously. When we don’t dwell on our negative thoughts, they tend to pass, and when they do, life usually looks a whole lot different. One thing’s for sure: never make decisions and never take action based upon low-state thinking. As our story so painfully reminds us, even the wisest and most well-intentioned people can make foolish mistakes and fall from great heights when they rush to action from a low state of mind. If we can just be aware of what we’re going through and wait it out, it’s usually not too long before the dark clouds pass and we once again have access to the wisdom that the angel taught us, long ago, in our mother’s womb.

Wishing you an easy and meaningful fast,

Mark

*The incident of the golden calf took place on the 17th of Tammuz, a national day of tragedy that we mark each year by fasting (This year on Tuesday June 29th). According to our tradition, a number of other tragedies took place on this date, including the breaching of the walls of Jerusalem prior to the destruction of both the first and second temples.

  • Post to Twitter
0 Comments

the voice of god in silence - shavuot

5/18/2010

0 Comments

 
“Let us be silent, that we may hear the whispers of the gods”. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

​Imagine standing at the foot of a desolate mountain in a barren wilderness, surrounded by close to three million men, women and children. Picture the scene as a dark cloud descends upon the mountain, along with brilliant flashes of lightning, explosions of thunder and an ear-piercing blast from an unseen shofar. If you’ve got this picture in your head, you’ve gotten a tiny glimpse of how awesome it must have been to stand at Sinai.

But wait! If you want a true depiction of that momentous occasion you need to remember that all that noise and commotion was really nothing more than a cosmic warm up act before the main event. When it actually came time for God to utter the Ten Commandments, the entire universe was filled with a wondrous silence.

When the Holy One Blessed is He presented the Torah at Sinai, not a bird chirped, not a fowl flew, not an ox lowed, not an angel ascended, not a seraph proclaimed ‘kadosh’ (holy). The sea did not roll and no creature made a sound. All of the vast universe was silent and mute. It was then that the voice went forth and proclaimed: I am Hashem your God! (Medrash Shemos Rabbah 29:9)

It’s not surprising that the dramatic events of Sinai would captivate the world and inspire a unique moment of universal silence. Perhaps those events can teach us something about the value of silence in our personal lives as well.

There are essentially two kinds of silence. There is an external silence characterized by an absence of noise, which has many obvious benefits. But there is also an internal silence – a silence of the mind – which while less obvious to the ear, brings with it far greater benefits than the mere absence of noise: It signifies the presence of wisdom.

Judaism teaches that a powerful spark of godly presence lies at the core of every human being. This spark – commonly referred to as the soul – is not only the source of the body’s life force; it’s a potent source of wisdom and creativity; our own personal voice of God. It speaks to us all the time. It desperately wants us to pay attention so that it can guide us and provide us with the answers that we seek. But like all voices of wisdom, it speaks calmly and quietly. It has no interest in competing. So while its insight is simple, obvious and compelling, sadly, most of us are way too preoccupied with the noise in our heads (read: our brilliant thinking) to hear it most of the time.

We don’t need to send our mind on vacation in order to access our inner wisdom, but it would sure help if we could stop making it work overtime. Unfortunately, most of us don’t even realize that we over-think our lives. In fact, we tend to believe that all of the analyzing, mulling, calculating, considering and obsessing that we do is a great idea, precisely because we don’t call it those things. In our minds, we call it being responsible, realistic, and proactive, which is why we not only think too much, but usually consider it to be a tremendous mitzvah as well. The problem, however, is that we’ll never quiet down enough to hear our inner wisdom until we realize that a large percentage of our thinking is not only futile, but harmful.

I often ask the over-thinkers that I coach two questions. The first is: Did you find what you’re looking for? The answer, of course, is almost always no, since over-thinking is by definition an exercise in futility. Going round and round in circles in our head – what I often refer to as the washing machine – never takes us beyond what we already know. In fact, it’s the very definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over while hoping for different results. The insight that we seek is fresh and new. We will never find it in our stale, old thinking.

The second question I ask is: Does all that thinking leave you feeling good? Once again, the answer is almost always no, because excess mental activity tends to make us feel frustrated and tired. It also tends to make us lose the very perspective that we seek as we sink deeper and deeper into our problems. It’s kind of like trying to free your car from a muddy ditch by pressing harder on the gas pedal. It may feel like a good idea, but all you end up with is a deeper rut and a bigger mess.

A simple cost-benefit analysis of our cerebral activity will demonstrate that the old adage – less is more –still applies, be we won't shift our mind out of overdrive until we realize that there’s a viable and dependable alternative to all that thinking. We will never let go of our mental steering wheel unless we can recall the moments when we were guided to our destination, not by our active intellect, but by the quiet voice of our own inner wisdom.

​Our mystical tradition teaches us that every soul in every generation heard God speak at Sinai. I believe that we have all heard the small voice of God that speaks from within us as well. We have all experienced quiet moments of insight. Deep down, we know that we possess an innate intelligence that can provide us with the answers that we seek. Only one question really remains: Are we willing to quiet down and listen?

“All my days I have been raised among the sages and I have found nothing better for oneself than silence.” (Pirkei Avot – 1:17)

Wishing you a joyous and meaningful Shavuot.


0 Comments

where there's a will there's a way

4/24/2010

0 Comments

 
“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” Friedrich Nietzsche

Let me ask you a question: What if a brutal dictatorship came to power in the United States and you were suddenly faced with the choice to leave the only home you ever knew? Would you stick around and hope for the best, or would you flee the country that your family has lived in for generations? Sound like an easy choice? Now, what if you didn’t know where you were going, how you were going to get there, or how you were going to support your family once you arrived? Are you beginning to get the picture? Difficult decisions often look easy in hindsight – especially when you’re not the one making them. I often hear people question why so many Jews stayed in Europe prior to World War II, but when we put ourselves in their place, we begin to realize just how much courage and faith it must have taken for them to leave.

It took the same courage and faith for the Jews to leave Egypt, 3000 years earlier. Imagine the scene as Moses instructs two to three million Jews to pick up and walk into a barren, inhospitable wasteland with little more than the clothes on their backs. What were they going to eat? Where were they going to find water? How were they going to survive the scorching days and the bitter cold nights! It’s not surprising that according to our oral tradition, only one fifth of the Jews actually left while the other four fifths remained and perished in Egypt. Even God was impressed by the courage and faith of the one fifth who chose to leave.

“I have remembered for your sake the kindness of your youth, the love of your nuptials, how you walked after me into a wilderness, into a land that was not sown.” (Jeremiah 2:2)

So here’s the real question: Why did some people choose to leave and live while others chose to stay behind and die?

As far as I’m concerned, the ones who stayed behind were smart. Anybody with a even a modicum of intelligence who thought about what it would take to move two to three million people through a desert wasteland would have stayed behind. Never mind all those miracles. It simply wasn’t feasible. This being said, there’s a problem when it comes to intelligent people:  Intelligence is highly overrated. Intelligent people have a tendency to complicate matters and miss the point: In this case, I believe they got lost in the hopeless complexity relating to how they were going to leave before making the simple commitment to go.

When it comes to many of life’s most important endeavors, you have to make sure to get the “what” and “why” straight before you drill down on the “how.” You have to be clear on what it is you’re passionate about before you commission the feasibility study. In fact, asking how before clarifying the “what” and “why” can be the kiss of death for many an undertaking. Take marriage for example: Imagine if you needed to work out all of the potential issues with your spouse before popping the question. Imagine if you made a list of all of the things you’ll need to learn, and all of the obstacles that you’re likely to encounter along the way. Who in their right mind would ever get married? (I believe this is the reason why many people have a tough time committing to relationships – but we’ll save that for another time). This is why attraction and chemistry are so important in the early stages of a relationship. It’s that initial burst of passion that launches the couple on their path and supplies them with the patience and energy to figure out all the “hows” along the way. And by the way, the inverse is also true: As soon as the couple gets bogged down in the issues to the point where they forget what got them in the game in the first place, that’s when the trouble begins.

The Jews who left Egypt knew with utter clarity that they had to leave. Sure, they had no idea how they were going to pull it off, but they were willing to take a leap of faith regardless. Perhaps they understood that if they had to get out of Egypt, then getting out must be possible even if they had no idea how. Those who stayed behind on the other hand, focused on feasibility before they had clarified what they needed to do. Once they went down that road, it was game-over. As far as they were concerned, it made more sense to die in the comfort of their homes then to knock themselves out on what could only end up as a suicide mission.

If questions about viability deter us from pursuing our goals, we would be well advised to take a good look inside. Odds are we never fully resolved to achieve them in the first place. An even simpler way of saying this is: whenever someone says “I can’t,” it usually means “I don’t want to.” I’ve learned this from my kids. Whenever they  get their hearts set on something – no matter how much of a long shot it may be – they seem to magically forget the meaning of the word “no.” It never ceases to amaze me. No matter how firmly or how many times I say no; they just keep asking. (I know a very successful fundraiser who claims that you can learn volumes about fundraising from your kids). But if I ask them to do something simple, like empty the dishwasher or clean up the pile of clothes on their floor, all of the sudden they can’t.

When we discover our passion and identify the unique gift that we were put in this world to share, there’s no “how” in the universe that can stop us. Sure, we’ll have to deal with all sorts of challenges and impediments as we progress, and we’ll probably have to make numerous course corrections along the way, but like a lost traveler determined to find his way home, our inability to see the road ahead will never deter us from devoting every last bit of energy we have to reaching our destination.

Mark

0 Comments

man in the image of god - pesach 2010

3/26/2010

0 Comments

 
“No thanks – God and I already have a very close relationship.”

My rabbi had just invited a young man to spend some time learning in our Yeshiva, and this was his intriguing reply. As it turns out, he had once been struck by a speeding car while riding his bicycle around a blind curve. The force of the collision had sent him flying over the hood, but rather than meeting what appeared to be certain death, he miraculously landed unscathed on the pavement.  “So you see,” concluded the young man. “God and I already have a very close relationship.”

“That’s quite a story,” said my rabbi. “But I have one question for you: Who do you think sent the car?”

If you ask the average person why God struck Egypt with ten plagues, he’ll probably tell you that it was to free the Jews from bondage, which is a great answer except for one minor detail: Who do you think sent them down there in the first place?

Egypt wasn’t destroyed so that the Jews could escape. The Jews were sent down there so that Egypt could be destroyed. Yet, the Talmud tells us that God rebuked His own angels for celebrating Egypt’s destruction: “The works of my hands are drowning in the sea and you want to sing!”  (Talmud tractate Megillah 10b) Clearly, therefore, God is no sadist. Egypt’s destruction could only be justified because it was absolutely necessary in order to teach mankind a critically important lesson.

The ten plagues were essentially an air, sea and land campaign, waged not only against Egypt, but more importantly, against its idols. Idol worship may seem bizarre to us today, but idols were really just physical representations of the same natural forces that we ourselves encounter on a daily basis and are often awed by.  Idolaters believed that these forces – or gods – ruled the universe, but could be appeased or manipulated when worshiped properly, which means that idolatry was really just a bid for security and control in a deterministic universe characterized by blind, unyielding forces and inevitable outcomes.

By miraculously defying these “immutable” forces, the events of the exodus shattered the illusion of natural cause and effect and demonstrated that “nature” is subservient to a far greater power that wills each slice of time and space into existence via a brand new and completely independent act of creation. The ten plagues didn’t just prove that miracles are possible; they demonstrated that miracles happen every moment, since the only difference between the natural and the miraculous is that one appears to be part of a natural order and sequence while the other doesn’t.

Egypt and it’s pantheon of gods needed to be humbled so that the one true source of power in the universe could be revealed. But more importantly, they were humbled to teach us that a tiny spark of that unstoppable power resides within each of us, and that we too are capable of rising above “cause and effect” and ruling over our nature. This is what our Torah means when it tells us that we are created in the image of God. This is the freedom that Pesach comes to remind us of.

As a spiritual coach, there’s nothing sadder for me than seeing people who genuinely want to improve their lives, but believe that they are somehow destined to endlessly repeat their old familiar patterns of thought and behavior. Not surprisingly, this belief frequently leads to paralysis and a sense of hopelessness and despair that can serve as its own self-fulfilling prophecy. I often explain to such people that while it’s certainly not uncommon to develop bad thought habits from earlier experiences, past performance is nevertheless not necessarily an indication of future results. I tell them that if they were stuck in their driveway for 30 years because they mistook the brake pedal for the gas pedal, the fact that they’ve been there for 30 years would be irrelevant if they learned something new about how the car worked. They could be down the driveway in a matter of seconds.

Just as God constantly recreates His universe, we too create our own unique experience each and every moment of our lives. In a single instant, we can realize something new that revolutionizes the way we perceive our world. I have personally witnessed this phenomenon in both myself and others. I have seen decades of belief and behavior patterns shift because of a single new insight. Of course, this doesn’t always happen. We all get bogged down at times, and some of us maintain our patterns of thought and behavior for a very long time. Nevertheless, we must never lose sight of what is possible. We must never forget that we can break free of our past at any moment. If we don’t understand this, we’re virtually guaranteed to recreate it.

Pesach comes to remind us that miracles are possible; not just the public ones, but the ones that take place inside of us. It reminds us that our past does not define our future, and that there are no rules when it comes to achieving our potential. But most importantly, it reminds us that nothing can stand before the miraculous power of our creative will.

 “Everything in this world depends only upon our will” (Zohar 2: 162)

Wishing you a joyous and meaningful Pesach!

0 Comments

Two very different kinds of humor

2/25/2010

0 Comments

 


“A joke is a very serious thing.” – Winston Churchill

The Jewish genius for finding humor in just about every situation is a wonderful thing, but we seem to take it to an extreme when it comes to Purim. After all, attempted genocide is hardly a laughing matter, especially for a people with a history like ours. Yet Purim, which celebrates the Jews’ deliverance from a genocidal plot in ancient Persia, happens to be the Jewish holiday most associated with humor and irony. And while it no-doubt ends well for the Jews, one would think that even a narrowly averted holocaust should at best be a cause for thanksgiving, not laughter.

In his recent scholarly work called The Pattern Recognition Theory of Humour, author Alastair Clarke explains that “humor occurs when the brain recognizes a pattern that surprises it, and that recognition of this sort is rewarded with the experience of the humorous response.” Interestingly, Jewish tradition teaches something similar when it tells us that our forefather Yitzchak, whose name literally means “he will laugh,” actually personifies the attribute of strict justice.

Although laughter and justice may appear to have little in common, the truth is that they both depend upon our ability to recognize law and order. If you recall any joke that you find funny, you’ll see that the humor occurs when the expectation or sense of order and progression created by the set-up of the joke is turned upside down by the punch-line. If the surprise elicited from this deviation is a pleasant one (and not all surprises are), the result is laughter. This is why humor can be such a powerful, and such a serious thing: When we find humor in something, we are essentially penetrating what seems to be the consistent pattern or appearance of that thing in order to expose a very different, inner truth.

I believe that there are basically two types of humor. The first is derived from a cynicism that views any pretense towards honesty, goodness or holiness as a joke. This is the cutting kind of humor you’ll often hear at parties, or on television and radio; the humor that essentially says: “We know that no matter how things appear on the outside, deep down people are selfish, corrupt and incompetent, and the world at large is cruel and uncaring.” This is the humor of Haman, the archenemy of the Jews, who’s plot to destroy the entire nation and not just Mordechai stems from his contempt for the very notion of a holy people and a caring God who lovingly guides human history.

The second type of humor is based upon a belief that human beings, in spite of their flaws and weaknesses, are essentially good, and that life, in spite of its challenges and disappointments, is nevertheless an immeasurably precious gift. This is a gentler kind of humor, often directed at ourselves as opposed to others; one that essentially says: “We human beings can be pretty crazy sometimes, and that craziness can cause us much grief and suffering, be we can laugh at our craziness because no matter how ludicrous we may appear to be, deep down it’s not who we really are.”

This is the true humor of Purim, derived from the realization that no matter how hopeless our circumstances may seem, or how unstoppable evil may appear to be, there is nevertheless a fundamental wisdom and goodness that underlies all of creation. It’s a joyous form of humor that comes when we discover that after all is said and done, we always have exactly what we need.

It’s not always easy to distinguish between these two types of humor, which is why you sometimes have to listen to the feeling behind jokes rather than their content in order to tell them apart. Nevertheless, the difference between them is anything but subtle. In fact, these two types of humor represent two conflicting world-views, as well as two entirely different ways of experiencing the people and events that make up our lives. The seemingly simplistic plot lines and cliché ironic twists of the Purim story are meant to dramatize the conflict between these opposing world-views in a way that challenges us to look inside and ask: Which of these outlooks do we share?

According to Jewish tradition, human beings are born with a tremendous capacity for self-delusion and distortion. In fact, the Rabbis in the Talmud teach us that: “A human being will not sin unless he is overcome by a spirit of temporary insanity” (Talmud, tractate Sota) We don’t need to read the Talmud to know that we can all be a bit crazy at times. But my personal experience, as well as my experience as a counselor has made me realize that our capacity for foolishness and folly, even with all of the pain and damage it can cause us, is really nothing more than proof that we are still human. The more critical issue lies in how we relate to that capacity.

Some people take their idiosyncrasies very seriously. They are profoundly disturbed by them, and judge themselves (and others) harshly for having them. In more extreme cases, their inability to tolerate their flaws can actually be more problematic than the flaws themselves, causing them to be preoccupied in a way that ultimately wears them down and leads to depression and despair.

Other people, while not exactly happy about their shortcomings and struggles, are nevertheless far more forgiving of themselves and others. They seem to understand that no matter how troubling their life may appear to be, their difficulties will not endure forever. They seem to know that the answers that they’re looking for are within their capacity to discover, even if they feel hopelessly lost in the moment.

​These people seem to intuitively understand that regardless of the way things seem on the surface, deep within, they and everyone else already posses the resources that they need to succeed in life. But what’s most remarkable about these people is that their faith in humanity’s innate common sense and goodness is the very thing that leads them to seek it out, and ultimately, bring it out of themselves and the people in their lives.

The old adage, what you see is what you get, is undeniably true for everyone. The only question is, how deep are you willing to look? May our joy and laughter this Purim bring with it a deeper vision that inspires us to reveal the goodness that exists within ourselves and others, so that the day may soon arrive when we will all experience first-hand the ultimate joy, captured so beautifully in the Psalms of King David:

“A song of ascents. When Hashem will return the captivity of Zion, we will be like dreamers. Then our mouths will be filled with laughter and our tongues with glad song.” (Psalm 126)

Wishing you a happy Purim,




0 Comments
<<Previous
Forward>>

    Author

    Rabbi Mark Spiro

    Archives

    May 2021
    September 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    January 2017
    June 2013
    March 2013
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    May 2009

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly